it's strange how i get more and more used to the loneliness. i feel more and more comfortable just staying in my apartment. i have this theory that i'm too demanding for most people when i'm not feeling good, so they disappoint or abandon me when they can't cope with it. another theory is that my apartment is the one place where i do not suddenly risk to stand face to face with things that reminds me of things that can depress me. but it's a vicious spiral. i want to be alone, but i don't want to be alone.

i know i've been a hell of a mess this fall. and i'm sure that most you are sick and tired of hearing about my misery. but i've sure had my reasons! though it gradually happens unconscious. meaning that no matter how hard i try i always end up getting a lump in my throat.

i hope it will be over soon...